The world is full of things that cause distressing thoughts, items that vie for our attention, and intrusive and repetitive idioms that we practice.
Practice? Yes, practice.
We “practice” these thoughts and behaviors because, largely, we are a slave to our unconscious.
Why do people make different choices in the same situation? Often, because they operate on a different set of unconscious attitudes, opinions, beliefs and values. The choices we make every moment of every day, even the conscious ones, are greatly influenced by a set of unconscious items. Since choices are power, it is well worth investing time in exploring your unconscious and discovering the why and how of what’s in there. Here’s my point: your unconscious is an enormous collection of learnings, beliefs, attitudes, experiences, strategies, patterns and miscellany, and it has an enormous influence on your life, how you perceive things, and the millions of little choices you make every day. This is why most attempts to change behaviors, (IE: lose weight) by “ will power” (conscious thought) don’t work long-term.
Developing skills to manage our emotional state is crucial if we want to develop long-term peace, and break-free of unconscious influence. Learning a new set of behaviors will make the unconscious, conscious. While the initial phase of “emotional management” is often met with a 'Pink Cloud' or Honeymoon period, it is very likely that once the newness wears off we’ll encounter depression, mood swings, confusion, and an inability to regulate emotions due to brain chemistry that has yet find Homeostasis. I want to offer concrete and specific ways you can approach your "emotional mess" and posit solutions for managing feelings that are distressing to you.
Developing skills to reduce distress is crucial if we want to stay sane. One of the biggest lessons we can learn is that we need to come to a place where we don’t personalize everything. There's a host of information available on the web if you'd like to do further study, but I would like you to consider the following ideas: Take responsibility for your distress. While negative events happen, it is important to remember that we are only responsible for our part in any given situation. Make an effort to talk to a trusted friend to get clarification on your part as well as where your responsibility ends. Remind yourself that you cannot control the timing, the outcome, how you, feel, but that you are only responsible for what you think. By focusing on what you think you can change how you feel.
Try to see the good in every situation. My grandparents lived through four years in a Nazi concentration camp. When something negative happened to my grandmother after she and grandfather were released from Auschwitz, she would talk about "seeking the gift”. She suggested there were three reasons people were unable to seek the gift: 1) the problem (or opportunity) doesn't come “wrapped” in the package you're used to seeing, 2) sometimes the opportunity doesn't happen on our timeline, and 3) sometimes the problem doesn't happen for us, it happens for someone else, and we are merely the conduit. My grandmother made sure that every time I was upset that I remembered that a gift existed in every situation.
Focus on what you want versus what you don't like. Be mindful of what you think and how you feel. Get clarity on a situation.
Find a therapist. While you might feel like you can be objective, I would suggest that it is likely that there are places where you get stuck in your thinking. By following through on therapy you can find a confidant, get impartial feedback, learn to become more objective, develop compassion for yourself and your situation, and give yourself a gift of greater clarity. My sense is that therapy is one of the best ways to take care of yourself. Talking to a mental health professional can be the first step in supporting yourself if you have a sense that you might have a mental health condition which requires additional attention.
I'm sure that when I mention exercise you'll nod your head in agreement as I won't be surprised that you've heard this suggestion before. Exercise does a few things. 1) It's a form of meditation, as in my view meditation is the act of focusing on one thing at a time. While you might be thinking of other things when you exercise, there is a likelihood that you're engaged in an activity that requires your attention and supports you to be mindful of the task at hand. 2) Exercise is known to lower stress in that it helps diminish the levels of Cortisol. Cortisol has an immunosuppressive effect, meaning that if your body constantly has high levels of this compound you are more likely to be susceptible to illness, infection, stress or disordered thinking.
Rather than making a gratitude list (which is rarely helpful as forced gratitude tends to cause resentment and significant deleterious feelings) I would invite you to focus on what makes you feel good and then think about all of the good stuff in your life, however small.
Focus on possibility and options versus issues and problems. I am reminded of a client who didn't want to leave his house as he had a warrant for his arrest for not showing up for court. He was very concerned that he would get picked up for not following through on his obligations. My suggestion was to remember that “many things are possible but not likely”. What feels better?
Finally, practice mindfulness. Manage your distress in one of three ways: visualize your emotional debris in a pile on the floor whilst you sweep up the negative thoughts and feelings. See your negative emotions on a cloud as it floats past you, and finally, envision your distress “leaving you” much like you look at a car in front of you and smile as you see kids waving a hello.
Be kind to yourself and remember to practice these skills. Practice is important as repetition is the mother of skill.
Whatever you decide to do, best wishes and good luck on your path.
T
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